A big job for such a little switch.

Where do I begin? What do I want to talk about? I guess I need to post something as I created this blog a week ago and have yet to post.


Let's talk about one of the biggest (no pun intended) themes in my life: my weight, how I eat, and my health.

I haven't always been a big girl. Sure, I've been curvy ever since puberty had its way with me, but I was healthy and, dare I say, hot. After high school I went to college some, got a full time sit-on-my-ass job, and ate as much as my weight-lifting high school boyfriend ate. Not a good combination, to say the least. That pushed me over 200, granted my healthy weight is around 160-170, but 200?! Geez. Over the years I've steadily gone up and up and up. I've gone through spurts of diet and exercise and saw weight loss, but I just couldn't stick with it. I got bored. Or impatient. Or frustrated by how much work went in to so little results. Basically, my mind set was all wrong. My mental switch was on the wrong setting.

For as long as I can remember, food has always been a source of comfort. Whenever I was sad, angry, bored, lonely, or even celebratory, food was the go-to drug. And it WAS a drug. I'd feel better, even if it was only transiently. Sweet, salty, protein, carb, fat... it didn't matter. Couple that with 18+ years of being unhappy, due to one cause or another, and you have a recipe for the end result you see before you, or picture in your head anyway. Whether battling emotional scars from my childhood (that's a whole post on its own - or POSTS), unhappy in whichever relationship I found myself in, or dissatisfied with my social life, school, or work, it all resulted in the same thing: eating.

Since I have been well and truly on my own, especially since arriving on this beautiful island of Grenada, my mentality has made a simple, yet drastic, switch. I'm not entirely sure what has happened, or why, or how I couldn't make this switch earlier in my life. Born of isolation and loneliness and absolute depression, maybe the only thing my mind COULD do was change. Change or die, basically. Either quickly or in increments, it was going to happen.

So what changed? Well, I don't turn to food anymore. It doesn't have the same hold on me. I can't really explain it. Well, I'll try. Let's say I had a craving for something, something bad for me of course. I'd go out and get whatever it is I wanted, and then eat so much I became stuffed, without even realizing it. It didn't matter if it didn't actually taste good or I decided I didn't really want it, I wasn't satisfied until it was gone.
Now, well, now it's different. Sure, I'll still give in to my cravings now and again, but the big difference is that I stop. Easily, I might add, without any effort or hemming and hawing. What, I've only had 1/4 or 1/3 of whatever it is I'm eating? I don't want any more. I'm satisfied. Here, friend, do you want some? No? Okay, I'll throw it away. That never would have happened before. And throw it away? Are you mad?! It's a non-issue now. It's just how it is. How this new-me is.

Beyond that example, I've been eating (MUCH) healthier without really trying to. It's not difficult. It's not like I'm battling it out. It's just... what my mind/mouth/stomach want. Fish, vegetables, whole grains, white meat, soy, fruits, non-fried, low/no saturated fats, no sugary snacks, no fast food (not that I can get it on the island), no bags of chips or cookies or whatever. It's great, I tell you. I'm not waring in my head every minute of every day. That's a change, let me tell you.

Where was this mind my whole life? Probably stuck dwelling on relationships. Unhealthy relationships. Not that I don't miss it, the relationships I mean. I've never been good at being alone. I've always been surrounded by people - either family or a significant other. Being alone feels strange to me. I have no outlet for the well of affection within me, not yet anyway. Beyond the generic "missing relationships" feeling, I miss the specifics, too. I miss the WHO I was with. But what can I do? Nothing. Continue to work on me. Grow, change, become more while also, paradoxically, becoming less.

So: food, check! Working out? That's another enigma. I'm not sure what triggered this desire to work out, and I do - 5 days a week. Perhaps it was the problems with my knee. From my first week here, with all the massive MASSIVE hills and stairs everywhere, my knees (especially the left one) have been effed up. Pain going up stairs, pain going down stairs, pain walking, pain standing, lots of pain. I went to the doctor after a month or so. She gave me a script for a knee brace and a couple of muscle relaxants, whatever that was about. But then it hit me. I'm 30 and I'm having knee problems. Really? 30?! That's just unacceptable. That, coupled with the fact that everyone (well, nearly everyone) in my class is young, fit, healthy, and (mostly) happy while I was the opposite of all of that. Yeah, I'm not old. I know. But my body was starting to ACT old. Scary.

The good GREAT news is that since I've been working out, the last month or so, my knees have improved dramatically. Granted, if I overwork myself they get all irritated for a day or two. Hence, I'm relegated to the bike in the gym, though I prefer the elliptical machine. I went hashing on Sunday and I'm definitely feeling it. The hash (not to be confused with hashish, you druggies) was a 3 hour hike through uncharted territory following trails of paper set up earlier in the day by crazed individuals called hares. It was CRAZY! Fun. Exhilarating (once I got to the end). And filled with interesting views and ground covered. We hiked by the airport, a horse pasture, 2 beaches, a cliff high up in the tree line with a narrow walkway, monstrously steep hills (like 5 of them), and back roads. All by moonlight. It's a wonder I didn't get lost or fall and break something. :) It was exhausting, to say the least. But I couldn't believe I did it. I am awesome!!! And I plan to do it again at the next one.

So, the short of it is: my life is changing in so many ways and it's all stemming from a little switch in my brain making a big difference. Where can I go from here? Anywhere I friggin wanna go. :)

<3,
 ~ Shannanigans!