Being alone

http://saraholeksyk.com/loneliness.html

Yesterday I was stumbling and came across a comic about being alone (linked above). It was basically the person talking about why they like being alone and how they are usually content. It made a lot of sense and when I laid down to take a nap earlier today, I thought about it. When I'm alone, no one is judging me. I don't have to pretend to be happy or nice or considerate. I don't have to worry about who's looking at me or who isn't looking at me. I don't have to sit up straight, or make sure my hair isn't going crazy, or make sure my underwear isn't showing. I don't have to help anyone. No one is asking me for anything, needs anything from me, or wants me to be anything. When I'm sitting in a room by myself I am just me. Whoever that is, I don't really know.

I've never really been alone, you see. And the short periods of time when I have been in a room with no one else around, I've generally just felt sad or awkward or depressed or kind of lost. Growing up, my siblings were ever present. I'm the oldest of four, you see. For various years during my childhood, there were additional kids running around as my mom babysat handicapped kids for a while or there was the period of time we had an extra 2 step-siblings. After I left home, I lived with my significant other and their family. After my (first) divorce, I lived in a house with a bunch of other people where I rented a room. I've ALWAYS been surrounded by people.

When given a choice to sit in my room or hang out with people in the living room or in a public place or something I'd always chose to not be alone. I just couldn't handle it. I avoided introspection. I avoided downtime where I could think about my past or the crappy things that have happened to me or were currently happening to me. I've always been big on the avoidance game.

For some reason, though, Grenada has had this magical effect on me. I'm suddenly seeing things differently, from a new, healthier perspective. I'm almost relieved to be sitting in my room alone. I can just relax and "let down my hair" as it were. Nothing sad or depressing at all about this.

Granted, I'm sure there will be times when it will be sad and depressing. I'm a social person at heart. I don't want to be cooped up on my own all the time. But I am excited and hopeful for this new viewpoint. :)

<3,
Shannangians